A s part of the Sunday sermon, let’s open the ’Burgh Bible for a reading from the Book of Rooney:
“And the Art summoned Sports & Exhibition Authority officials to His side, and they trembled for they could see His mood was foul.”
“And the Art pointed to the large structure at the confluence of the three rivers and said unto them, ‘Gaze upon my temple. Did I not build thou this unremarkable but adequate facility for the faithful to worship on Sundays?’
“Authority Executive Director Mary Conturo said, ‘Thou did my Art, but the public put up $158 million for the temple. Though my Art generously kicked in the $97 million thou received for naming rights and seat licenses, thy direct contribution amounted to just $26 million of the temple’s $281 million cost.”
“To which the Art said unto her, ‘Silence!’ as thunder roared across the skies.
“When the sound died down, the Art said, ‘I bestowed upon you this building of unparalleled functionality and asked nothing in return — save for that modest public subsidy, and thy patience when one of my 350-pound defensive angels occasionally attempts to run down Praetorian Guard members with his SUV.’
“The Art continued: ‘So I believed thou would leap at my recent proposal to have thou assume two-thirds of the cost of a modest $39 million expansion of the temple. I thought thou would want to display thy gratitude to me for showing unto thou the power and the glory of the Steelers, as well as the occasional Super Bowl trophy.’” SEA officials glanced down at their shoes.
“‘I seek the additional 3,000 seats so more of the faithful can congregate at the temple,’ the Art said. ‘I seek the state-of-the-art video board so their souls can be enriched through instant replay. These things thou would deny me?’
“Conturo said, ‘We mean no offense, my Art. But the public barely could provide thou with the $2.5 million thou desired to help build Stage AE, thy majestic concert venue across the street from thy temple where Jane’s Addiction recently performed. To demand $26 million in these unsettled economic times, when Forbes magazine has valued thine own Steelers kingdom at $1.02 billion —’
“ ‘Silence!’ the Art bellowed, as blinding lightning flashed across the skies. ‘Does the sacred lease not stipulate that thou assume these costs? Are thou telling me thou are violating its commandments?’
“ ‘My Art, please,’ Conturo said. ‘We want to contribute to thy divine expansion, just not to the tune of $26 million.’
“The Art said, ‘For leading thou from the wilderness of an outdated stadium, I am repaid by treachery? Begone then from my kingdom and hire thyselves a good attorney. Thou are about to be sued to compel thou to pay thy fair share to enlarge the temple.’ ”
Thus did the Art teach a valuable lesson not just to SEA officials, but to all who might consider committing sacrilege against the Steelers.
Do so, and thou risks suffering a fate more terrible than any towel.
Eric Heyl is a staff writer for Trib Total Media. He can be reached at 412-320-7857 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
What more can I say?